I used to think I was a simple man. Now that I’m over a half a century old life seems more complicated every day. This blog started out as a polemic against certain teachings. I didn’t know who I was then, now I do.
I’m a believer in the Lord Jesus, the Messiah, coming King of Israel, now sitting at God’s right hand in His role as High Priest…
I left the Southern Baptists within a year after being “saved” (Spring of 1979). I did an altar call only after I had come to faith in Christ due to a evangelist visiting my barracks and leaving some tracts. So my conversion wasn’t as much about believing as it was about making my profession of Christ publicly. Not that I knew what I was doing at the time, I didn’t, as I expect many people have had that same experience. From my first days in the church (small c for the physical gathering of “believers.”) I started to see how hypocritical we Christians were and over time how not much changed in the lives of church goers. This disturbed me. Especially those who told me, “I have always been a Christian.” These days, I’m trying to escape the religion trap – yes I called it a trap. If you read this blog you will understand why. In fact, I have been disappointed many times by religious people, I know I became one…
I started out as an amateur theologian, but wanted to be a professional one…I served as an elder and an elder chairman in evangelical bible churches, as well as sitting on a board of elders over several church plants. Today I see this as a unrepentant believer just following his carnal nature. This was after I had retired from the military and after my wife (at the time) committed adultery. I thought that if I was a “good Christian” it would all go away. I read the bible every day, studied it, taught what I learned. But I was always looking for more. Something was missing no matter how hard I prayed or went to church, or studied. Finally after meeting a seminary president, and some other believers of note, I started seminary classes. This I believe drove my (then) wife over the edge. I was determined to serve God full time. This is where I believe I lost my way…let me explain that I don’t believe anyone intends to be a religious zealot. I certainly didn’t.
On this I will tell you I was blinded by zeal to the point where I became a problem. You see I was accused rightly of plagiarism in an effort to counter what I believed to be poor to bad doctrine during the beginning of the “Crossless Gospel” debate. The debate is not important, what was important was in my zeal I stepped over the line and forgot footnotes in several papers and was adapting material to the papers I was writhing and posted them on this blog. I attacked the authors of that effort in any way I could. My day job was as a executive in a healthcare IT shop. At the time I attended a large bible church in the Denver area and was employed by Rocky Mountain Bible College and Seminary as a instructor. I taught a course on technology, with an emphasis on theological research. I think that I got promoted to adjunct professor before it all came apart. Dr. Steve Lewis was, and I think, still is a friend of mine; he may have a different opinion.
I love the Lord Jesus, I love the Word of God, and I have a passion to follow Him, and teach His word…This is what I miss that the most these days.
So I’m infamous in free grace and non-free grace circles. After all that transpired, I left Religious Christianity, I lost my health, my marriage, and nearly my sanity a several years back when all this was going on. I committed adultery, I was drinking to excess, and was on disability while the medical community tried to figure out what was killing me, literally. I’m sure now most of that was divine discipline.
I’m a disabled vet…
When I was finally diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), I thought I would be able to recover. This after two years of every conceivable medical test and seeing a psychologist, I entered treatment with the VA for “delayed onset” combat related PTSD. I completed the program in 9 months when it usually takes 12 to 24 months of drugs and psychotherapy. Right before thanksgiving in 2008, I admitted myself to the ER at the Denver VA medical center. I remember lying on bed in the observation room next to the nurses station, thinking I have finally gone crazy. It took over two weeks for my mind to clear enough for me to start repenting of things I had done. Most of all I wanted out of there. I was still a religious zealot, just humbled by my affliction. The nurses logs read, “the patient is actually helping his fellow patients.” and “why is he here.” The head doctor of the facility said I was one of the hardest working patients he had ever seen in over 20 years of clinical work. I just wanted to be who God meant me to be, not someone who my ex-wife or some congregation or seminary wanted me to be. I was on my knees every chance I could get begging God to let me have another chance at my marriage, my faith, everything. I walked out of treatment feeling 20 years old again. At the time I was 49.
I’m a father …
Of two sons who are trying to find their way in the world. Two step-sons who also are beginning their journey. There is not much more to say than I will always look at my failed marriage and believe that I was the best Dad a kid could have. My sons remind me on occasion that compared to most of their friends dads, I was a saint. I pray for them to have their eyes opened to the gospel as mine were…
I’m also a warrior…
Strange to hear that from a retired military person. Its probably because once you have been one you will always be one. I served my country for 22 years, and flew 27 combat missions (over half under fire) in the B-52 in 1991. That was only my first half of my career. The last half I was in special operations and in 1993 was assigned as an “operator” in a Joint Chiefs of Staff Special Access Program (read a black ops program). We worked on things to prevent an event like 9/11 from happening. Then I retired in 1998 and then later 9/11 happened; as I watched the war on terror, I didn’t realize I was getting “triggered.” My body was literally dying from trying to suppress my own memories of combat. Living with PTSD thinking it was just what guys like me had to endure just like other men of other wars had to do. I didn’t even know what PTSD was. There is a lot more to this and this is the first time I have even communicated with outside of my immediate family other than my best friend from childhood, and a girlfriend…as I write this I’m feeling pretty peaceful about it which tells me most of the pain and anguish has passed. There is no disgrace in having this illness; there is in falling from Grace. My PTSD is in remission, thank God for that, and that He so far hasn’t removed me from this earth because of discipline. I also thank God that I no longer have to be on the myriad of medications the VA pumped into me back then.
I’m also a technical geek…
In addition to all this, I was and am a software architect (Master of Science in Computer Science) in the software development world. A 2008 IT magazine article quoted that IT people have stress on the level of police and first responders. At first I didn’t believe it. Now I do. One doctor told me most men would be dead or in a straight jacket going through what I have gone through. God gives me the strength to endure just about anything.
What I want to be when I grow up…
Finally, and most important of all, I am a follower of Jesus of Nazareth. This is where I come full circle…this is all I really want out of my life anymore. I hate this life, I hate sin, I feel the decay of my own flesh and long for resurrection in the coming Kingdom. This is critical, its the blessed hope of believers even if they don’t understand it. While I’m here, He still must have something for me to learn and/or do, or else I would not be here. “Everyday above ground is a good day” as we used to say in the military. This is important, while we have time to repent and do works of faith that He has prepared for us. You don’t want to be in front of the Judgement Seat of the Messiah with a wasted life like mine almost was. I thank Almighty God that He has allowed me repentance to life. My prayer has been and always will be that I want to hear “Well done, good servant…” (Luke 9:11-24)
The above is not a defense of my actions back then, more taking responsibility for my actions. As I was preparing to return to the Church I ran across some material which I found disturbing. After giving the authors and the material a fair hearing, I have understood the Gospel for the first time and there is only one. It is the Gospel of the Kingdom of the Messiah of Israel, the Son of the Living God, the Lord Jesus Christ.
May God grant you eyes to see and ears to hear what I have seen and heard…
